Dear Me (A Letter To My Teenage Self)

Dear me at age 18,

I see you there, driving in your snazzy little almost-paid-off Hyundai Accent of a car. Windows rolled down, The Supertones blaring loudly as you sing along (one thing's for sure - your music taste will improve). You're carefree, full of zest for life, ready to take on the world, naive, passionate. Try to stay that way as long as possible. Oh how I long for those days...

I have some great news. High school is over. You can put those horrible USJ moments out of your mind forever. Everybody is a human being now. No more popularity contests. You have worth, just as much as the next person. Remember that. Believe that.

Mama is going to try to convince you to join the Honors program at UNF. You will be terrified and think it's not for you, but listen to her. Your experience in that program will be some of the best years of your life. You will meet people very very different from you. You will slowly become more open-minded with each passing day. You will discover creativity like never before.

Enjoy Music, Movies, Myth, and Madness. I promise Dr. Farber is not as crazy as he seems. Cherish the moments of conversation, exploration, meditation, and philosophy. You are going to learn so. so. much. This is the second most amazing class you will ever take in college...only to be beaten by King Arthur Through The Ages. Give your fellow Arthurians a hug for me. Oh - if I could travel back in time to one moment, it would be England. Hold on tight to these memories. They will fade faster than you think. London? It's not much to remember. What I wouldn't give to travel back in time to Glastonbury, Oxford, and Bath. Go on the Glastonbury Tor. You'll regret it later if you don't.

You see God through rosy-colored glasses right now, yet everything is so black and white for you. Oh if you only knew how intensely those colors will begin to bleed into shades of gray over the next 10 years. You will question everything you've ever believed in, beg God to not loosen His grip on you for fear of falling far far away, and cry so many nights of lonely tears. 

Your faith is going to be shaken at its core, its very foundation. You are going to be scared out of your mind. You will stumble upon truths that rock your world. It will be almost impossible to pick yourself back up after discovering some of these shocking, horrible facts of the world. So many of your views will change, especially on the bing words: war, politics, social justice, poverty, simple living, mega churches, the list continues on. You will do a 180 and come back around to your faith, but it will be a very different faith than you ever imagined. I like to think it's a better faith, a well thought-out faith, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Cherish your time with Amanda Grace, for she will have such an impact on how you view God and your faith. She cusses a lot and even likes to smoke, but soon you will move past all that to see how in love she is with her Savior. This is a pivotal moment of introspection for you. The moment that gets you started on all those questions...that ultimately leads you to that "very different faith" I spoke of earlier in this letter. Give Jen a chance, too. I know she's that cheerleader type that you couldn't stand back in high school, but she will become a very dear friend one day.

This one is hard...unbelievably hard. Up to this point, you've had a pretty good "love life." Yeah yeah, I know now that it wasn't ever love. But in the relationships scene, you've had it pretty good I'd say. Boys have treated you nicely. You've picked a couple good ones. The "breaking up" has always been on your terms. A boy is about to walk into your life, and he will shatter you into a thousand little pieces. You will think you're in love and that he's the one. Listen to your stepdad. Jamie knows best on this one. I don't know how, but he does. You are going to suffer from pretty bad scars from this one. I don't want to tell you his name, though, because as hard as it was, sometimes it takes going through the bad to recognize the good. You will be able to learn from your experience. You'll pick all the pieces up off the ground and move on...

Each Summer, you will travel back to your hometown in TN. Spend more time with Daddy, and a little less time with your friends. You will one day wish you did, and you won't be able to spend as much time in TN pretty soon. You won't keep in touch with the majority of those friends, anyways.

Ssshhh. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The love of your life will jump off a rooftop naked the very first time you meet him. You will hide your eyes, wonder what you've gotten yourself into, and think he's a crazy drunken fool (and the last person in the world you'd ever want to marry). Get to know him. That talk you have in the car with him will change your mind. He loves God with all of him, at least for now. And my oh my....does he ever love you. And that part never changes. He's a good one. Don't let him go.

Soak up the memories of Summer '05. They'll live on in your heart and mind forever. You'll think about skipping class a couple times to be with him. Go ahead and skip. It's so worth it. You won't regret it. He'll always treat you so well. Your engagement is going to be glorious, and the wedding simply perfect. Trust him. He loves you. He's faithful. He won't do to you what that other boy did back in the day, even though you have a difficult time believing that. Don't give up on him, even on those days when you toss the word "divorce" around on your lips just to see how it sounds. He is struggling, and you promised him (and God) forever...for better or worse. Marriage is a tango, but it's worth fighting for. Get on your knees and beg God for his faith to be restored. I still have hope, and so should you.

By the way, you are marrying into one of the greatest families on this earth. God has richly blessed you with such a family. They will become like true parents, brothers, and sisters to you. They love you and will always be there for you. You can always count of them. Dad and Mama News, Zacky, Nicole, Emma-Lee, and Big Mike will be some of your most-loved people in all the world.

Speaking of marriage, when you put on that wedding dress at the fitting and mama says, "One day you'll wish you were this size," you better believe her. Love yourself. Cherish who you are in Jesus. You are beautiful, even on the outside. You look so great at a mere 130 pounds. Even though you think you're hideous, I promise you're not. You'll look back one day and remember mama's words. Yep - I know it's hard to swallow, but you'll wish you were 130 again. No - you'll dream of being 130 again.

Friends will come and go, but hold on to your sister. Lobie Wan is your very best friend in all the world. Just one more thing mama was right about all along.

You are going to change your major about 10 times while in college. You're going to have a failed business attempt (I know what you're thinking - me, a business owner? I won't spoil the surprise.) You'll be on the news, too! It will be fun while it lasts.

Keep reading books. Keep learning. Enjoy college. It's the best time of your life. Give in to art. I know it seems foreign and strange, but...surprise! You marry an artist.

Don't judge the Vegan club too harshly when they pass out flyers. You're going to become a Vegetarian one day...as well as a pacifist, non-Republican, real food enthusiast, environmental activist, and many other things you never expected. Global warming? Um, yeah...you're going to become a believer in that, too. Crazy, huh?

Other things you will become that you least expected? Cook, Gardener, Crafter, Knitter, Couponer, Frugalista, Home Owner, Prayer Warrior.

Dr. Rossi is the bomb dot com. I know he's an atheist and he freaks you out a little, but he is one of the kindest, most helpful professors you will ever have. Learn from him and go to his office often. He is always willing to help. He will be your mentor throughout that dreaded Senior Seminar Thesis, and he's the only reason you'll make it through alive.

Life may not turn out the way you expected...AT. ALL. I just encourage you to live simply, enjoy every single moment you have, and live in the present. Enjoy the blessings God pours down from above every single day. Stop looking into the future so much. It changes in ways you could never imagine, so there's really no sense in worrying about it so much.

At age 27, you'll wonder where the years have gone. You'll have only a couple friends, but really close friends. And you wouldn't trade them for the world. Each of them will be your kindred spirit in some special way.

You will lose two grandfathers pretty soon, and both deaths will affect you in very different ways. Your life will be changed drastically as a result. Be there for Daddy, grow close to Daddy's family (they are amazing people who you will have wished you'd known better while growing up), and give your Grandpa Sears lots of extra hugs and I love you's. (Oh - and speaking of Daddy. He loves you way more than you think. Don't forget that.)

Let go of jealousy. Bitterness will try to destroy you. Be thankful. Eucharisteo - that word will change your life one day.

Slow down, dear one. You can't do everything. Stop trying to.

Take it all in. Do not fear. Love. Above all else, love. Don't lose sight of that. Love God, love your husband, love your family, love your friends, love your enemies, love yourself (the most difficult one of all).

I did this in response to Emily's challenge over at Chatting At The Sky, as she kicks off the release of her new book Graceful (For Young Women): Letting Go Of Your Try Hard Life. Head over to her site to read more letters.