Dear Me (A Letter To My Teenage Self)

Dear me at age 18,

I see you there, driving in your snazzy little almost-paid-off Hyundai Accent of a car. Windows rolled down, The Supertones blaring loudly as you sing along (one thing's for sure - your music taste will improve). You're carefree, full of zest for life, ready to take on the world, naive, passionate. Try to stay that way as long as possible. Oh how I long for those days...

I have some great news. High school is over. You can put those horrible USJ moments out of your mind forever. Everybody is a human being now. No more popularity contests. You have worth, just as much as the next person. Remember that. Believe that.

Mama is going to try to convince you to join the Honors program at UNF. You will be terrified and think it's not for you, but listen to her. Your experience in that program will be some of the best years of your life. You will meet people very very different from you. You will slowly become more open-minded with each passing day. You will discover creativity like never before.

Enjoy Music, Movies, Myth, and Madness. I promise Dr. Farber is not as crazy as he seems. Cherish the moments of conversation, exploration, meditation, and philosophy. You are going to learn so. so. much. This is the second most amazing class you will ever take in college...only to be beaten by King Arthur Through The Ages. Give your fellow Arthurians a hug for me. Oh - if I could travel back in time to one moment, it would be England. Hold on tight to these memories. They will fade faster than you think. London? It's not much to remember. What I wouldn't give to travel back in time to Glastonbury, Oxford, and Bath. Go on the Glastonbury Tor. You'll regret it later if you don't.

You see God through rosy-colored glasses right now, yet everything is so black and white for you. Oh if you only knew how intensely those colors will begin to bleed into shades of gray over the next 10 years. You will question everything you've ever believed in, beg God to not loosen His grip on you for fear of falling far far away, and cry so many nights of lonely tears. 

Your faith is going to be shaken at its core, its very foundation. You are going to be scared out of your mind. You will stumble upon truths that rock your world. It will be almost impossible to pick yourself back up after discovering some of these shocking, horrible facts of the world. So many of your views will change, especially on the bing words: war, politics, social justice, poverty, simple living, mega churches, the list continues on. You will do a 180 and come back around to your faith, but it will be a very different faith than you ever imagined. I like to think it's a better faith, a well thought-out faith, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Cherish your time with Amanda Grace, for she will have such an impact on how you view God and your faith. She cusses a lot and even likes to smoke, but soon you will move past all that to see how in love she is with her Savior. This is a pivotal moment of introspection for you. The moment that gets you started on all those questions...that ultimately leads you to that "very different faith" I spoke of earlier in this letter. Give Jen a chance, too. I know she's that cheerleader type that you couldn't stand back in high school, but she will become a very dear friend one day.

This one is hard...unbelievably hard. Up to this point, you've had a pretty good "love life." Yeah yeah, I know now that it wasn't ever love. But in the relationships scene, you've had it pretty good I'd say. Boys have treated you nicely. You've picked a couple good ones. The "breaking up" has always been on your terms. A boy is about to walk into your life, and he will shatter you into a thousand little pieces. You will think you're in love and that he's the one. Listen to your stepdad. Jamie knows best on this one. I don't know how, but he does. You are going to suffer from pretty bad scars from this one. I don't want to tell you his name, though, because as hard as it was, sometimes it takes going through the bad to recognize the good. You will be able to learn from your experience. You'll pick all the pieces up off the ground and move on...

Each Summer, you will travel back to your hometown in TN. Spend more time with Daddy, and a little less time with your friends. You will one day wish you did, and you won't be able to spend as much time in TN pretty soon. You won't keep in touch with the majority of those friends, anyways.

Ssshhh. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The love of your life will jump off a rooftop naked the very first time you meet him. You will hide your eyes, wonder what you've gotten yourself into, and think he's a crazy drunken fool (and the last person in the world you'd ever want to marry). Get to know him. That talk you have in the car with him will change your mind. He loves God with all of him, at least for now. And my oh my....does he ever love you. And that part never changes. He's a good one. Don't let him go.

Soak up the memories of Summer '05. They'll live on in your heart and mind forever. You'll think about skipping class a couple times to be with him. Go ahead and skip. It's so worth it. You won't regret it. He'll always treat you so well. Your engagement is going to be glorious, and the wedding simply perfect. Trust him. He loves you. He's faithful. He won't do to you what that other boy did back in the day, even though you have a difficult time believing that. Don't give up on him, even on those days when you toss the word "divorce" around on your lips just to see how it sounds. He is struggling, and you promised him (and God) forever...for better or worse. Marriage is a tango, but it's worth fighting for. Get on your knees and beg God for his faith to be restored. I still have hope, and so should you.

By the way, you are marrying into one of the greatest families on this earth. God has richly blessed you with such a family. They will become like true parents, brothers, and sisters to you. They love you and will always be there for you. You can always count of them. Dad and Mama News, Zacky, Nicole, Emma-Lee, and Big Mike will be some of your most-loved people in all the world.

Speaking of marriage, when you put on that wedding dress at the fitting and mama says, "One day you'll wish you were this size," you better believe her. Love yourself. Cherish who you are in Jesus. You are beautiful, even on the outside. You look so great at a mere 130 pounds. Even though you think you're hideous, I promise you're not. You'll look back one day and remember mama's words. Yep - I know it's hard to swallow, but you'll wish you were 130 again. No - you'll dream of being 130 again.

Friends will come and go, but hold on to your sister. Lobie Wan is your very best friend in all the world. Just one more thing mama was right about all along.

You are going to change your major about 10 times while in college. You're going to have a failed business attempt (I know what you're thinking - me, a business owner? I won't spoil the surprise.) You'll be on the news, too! It will be fun while it lasts.

Keep reading books. Keep learning. Enjoy college. It's the best time of your life. Give in to art. I know it seems foreign and strange, but...surprise! You marry an artist.

Don't judge the Vegan club too harshly when they pass out flyers. You're going to become a Vegetarian one day...as well as a pacifist, non-Republican, real food enthusiast, environmental activist, and many other things you never expected. Global warming? Um, yeah...you're going to become a believer in that, too. Crazy, huh?

Other things you will become that you least expected? Cook, Gardener, Crafter, Knitter, Couponer, Frugalista, Home Owner, Prayer Warrior.

Dr. Rossi is the bomb dot com. I know he's an atheist and he freaks you out a little, but he is one of the kindest, most helpful professors you will ever have. Learn from him and go to his office often. He is always willing to help. He will be your mentor throughout that dreaded Senior Seminar Thesis, and he's the only reason you'll make it through alive.

Life may not turn out the way you expected...AT. ALL. I just encourage you to live simply, enjoy every single moment you have, and live in the present. Enjoy the blessings God pours down from above every single day. Stop looking into the future so much. It changes in ways you could never imagine, so there's really no sense in worrying about it so much.

At age 27, you'll wonder where the years have gone. You'll have only a couple friends, but really close friends. And you wouldn't trade them for the world. Each of them will be your kindred spirit in some special way.

You will lose two grandfathers pretty soon, and both deaths will affect you in very different ways. Your life will be changed drastically as a result. Be there for Daddy, grow close to Daddy's family (they are amazing people who you will have wished you'd known better while growing up), and give your Grandpa Sears lots of extra hugs and I love you's. (Oh - and speaking of Daddy. He loves you way more than you think. Don't forget that.)

Let go of jealousy. Bitterness will try to destroy you. Be thankful. Eucharisteo - that word will change your life one day.

Slow down, dear one. You can't do everything. Stop trying to.

Take it all in. Do not fear. Love. Above all else, love. Don't lose sight of that. Love God, love your husband, love your family, love your friends, love your enemies, love yourself (the most difficult one of all).

I did this in response to Emily's challenge over at Chatting At The Sky, as she kicks off the release of her new book Graceful (For Young Women): Letting Go Of Your Try Hard Life. Head over to her site to read more letters.

Swirling. Swirling. Swirling.

So much I want to write. So many thoughts swirling up there...

It's so overwhelming, so all-consuming...that I have writer's block. I don't even know where to start or how to get it onto paper this blog.

I do plan to begin writing once again, and hopefully on a more regular basis.

For now? More thinking and reflecting.

C-ya soon.

Dayenu!

My husband's family has had a tradition for many, many years. I'm so glad I married into their family and have been allowed to participate in this tradition, for it has become one of my favorite events each year. I always look forward to it. There's yummy food, fellowship with family, and most of all designated time for preparing my heart and mind for Easter. 

We celebrate a Messianic Jewish Passover each year. It's a truly beautiful event. Too often as Christians, I feel that we kind of "write off" The Old Testament and focus entirely on The New Testament. But as Paul says in Romans, knowledge of the Law shows us just how beautiful grace is and how badly we need our Savior. God has written a miraculous love story over time. As we recline over a Passover Supper each year and follow along in the Messianic Passover Haggadah, it's a really incredible reminder of how all the pieces fit together and how God truly reached down to us out of love.

There's one part that is my very favorite. The lead reader begins reading all of the gifts God has lavished upon His people. After each one, all of us at the table reply, "Dayenu!" after each statement. Dayenu means "it would have been sufficient." In other words, God has more than given us good things. It would have been sufficient for Him to give us one or even a few of His miracles or acts of deliverance and providence. Instead, he lavishes us with even more than we deserve or could have ever asked for. It instills a tremendous sense of thankfulness in me each year. I left my in-laws' home this past Saturday night with a full heart.

Funny that the very next day, I was sitting on the couch talking with yelling at my husband. These exact words slipped out of my mouth: "I just got screwed. I did everything right, and I got screwed. My life is horrible." Of course with that statement, I was trying to blame my husband and make him feel as little as humanly possible. I definitely succeeded. It was not a fun couple of hours that followed.

What happened to the spirit of thankfulness?

I think back to when I used to write on my Frugal Fun and Fortune blog about simplicity, contentment, and gratefulness. I remember being so joyful despite our circumstances. Lately I haven't been feeling very content . In fact, I've been filled to the brim with anger and bitterness.

It's so easy to look around me and see what I don't have in my life. It's easy to get depressed, let the joy get sucked out of me, and be filled with negative thoughts and feelings.

But I really do have so much to be thankful for, and I'm striving to get back to that place of contentment that I once found so easy. Instead of dwelling on what I don't have, I'm determined to set my mind on what I DO have, for I have been immensely blessed.

Over the next few weeks, I plan on trying to blog about the gifts in my life that I am thankful for. I'm hoping that this, coupled with prayer and scripture reading, will help me settle back into contentment and joy with my life.

For if my life were shades darker than this and I didn't even have the many blessings that I so commonly overlook...but God had sent His Son Jesus to die for me, save me, and grant me the eternal gifts of grace and love...

Dayenu!

Photo Source: Uploaded by user via Meagan on Pinterest

Ramblings On Hate, Love, Justice, and Kony.

I apologize for not writing anything over the past week or so. Part of it was that I was focused on winding down, discovering what my new life will be like without professional blogging, and trying to regroup a bit. The other part of it, though, was that there is just one all-consuming issue burdening my heart and mind as of late...

I knew I would bring myself to write at least something on this topic sooner or later. After all, it falls under at least 5 of the categories on my "About Me" blurb to the right: Jesus, social justice, Africa, peace, love...

That's right. I'm talkin' Kony 2012.

I kept putting it off. I finally decided I would not write about it. Until today. When I saw this article tonight. I'll be honest. I cried. No, I wept. And now I am compelled to write.

A compassionate man has a BIG heart for a serious issue. He helps ignite an amazing charity organization centralized around bringing awareness to this issue. Doing something about this issue. Breaking people's hearts over this issue. Helping those around the world love the Invisible Children.

He creates a video with good intentions. Intentions to bring more awareness to the American people about this horrible Kony character. He pours his heart, soul, and life into this mission of his. Finally, in 2012, the video is released out into the Web. It unexpectedly goes viral.

Next thing I know? I'm seeing Invisible Children and Kony plastered all over Twitter and Facebook. I was SHOCKED. I have been following Invisible Children's work for years. LRA and Kony are subjects that nobody ever speaks of, and people think you're crazy when you start talking about it. Needless to say, I was a little bit taken aback when I signed on to Facebook and saw riots ensuing over this Kony 2012 video. My first thought was, "People know who Kony is now?" Furthermore, "People CARE about this issue now?"

I was excited...that is until everybody began throwing rocks. BIG. GIANT. ROCKS.

I just sat back and took it all in. My heart was breaking over all of it. I can't imagine what video director Jason Russell was going through. Oh wait - now I can. He was so overburdened by the stress of it all that he suffered psychosis and is now hospitalized.

What is this earth that we live on? Who have we become? A defender of social justice tries to bring awareness to people and he is hospitalized as a result of all the HATE?

I get the criticism. (If you're in the dark on all of this, read this great article that compiles all of the controversy from both sides of the debate.) I really do. I understand where some of the controversy come from. If I'm being completely honest, there's a whole lot that I don't understand at all, too. Social justice issues are always deep, dirty, complicated, ugly, and twisted. It's tough to get to the root of the problem, and even more difficult to come to a solution.

Like I said, I get the criticism. A wave of shallow enthusiasm has passed over the American people. It will soon be gone, as it always is. People are jumping on the Kony bandwagon, and they will soon jump off if they haven't already.

But my heart begs the question, "So what? At least there's awareness now. At least people know about it." Even if it's half-truths, some of the facts are very wrong, or it's only shallow-deep. People know the problem exists now. That's at least a quarter of the battle. I'd say we're at least one step closer than we were before nobody even knew who Kony was, wouldn't you?

I understand the critiques. I don't understand the hate. I never will. I read some really horrendous comments about Jason Russell and the Invisible Children organization. Comments from people who obviously don't know the history of Invisible Children's work over the past 5+ years. How could anybody question their motives and say such despicable things about this organization?

Better yet, how can there be so much hate that a well-meaning man full of love for people around the world goes out of his mind and ends up in the hospital?

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by an issue that your heart just feels like it may burst? Or your mind may explode? I'm guessing this is how Jason Russell felt these last few weeks as hate poured on criticism poured on top of more hate was thrown viciously at him.

I remember back in the early days of my blogging when I wrote a post on the horrors of Tanzania poverty. I recounted stories from an acquaintance who had recently visited the slums of Tanzania. My heart ached as I pounded out these tragic stories onto the keyboard. I knew that everybody would feel the same as I did - that we must help in any way we can. I was trying to raise money for the cause. I did not receive a single positive comment on the post. Instead, I received an excruciatingly long e-mail from a critic who had been to other areas of Tanzania that were not like this. She said some pretty horrible things to me, and I lay in bed all day crying over the fact that she could be so heartless and that nobody cared one bit about people on the other side of the world. I felt defeated.

If one comment affected me that much, I understand how this Jason Russell character crumbled under criticism, exhaustion, and feelings of defeat and hopelessness. I'm sure his internal crumble came on for a variety of reasons, including the fact that he realized people just don't care about this issue the way he hoped they would. We're too wrapped up in facts, politics, philosophical debates, and exact sciences.

We don't know how to simply look at an issue as a whole and say, "That is wrong. Love must overcome. Social justice will win this battle. We can make it happen. Let's band together and do something about it."

Who cares if Kony is no longer in the same region that the video says he is? The bottom line is that he's out there somewhere doing horrible, unmentionable things to innocent children who deserve love, care, warmth, and a better world.

I like what Jen Hatmaker said in her perfectly-written response to this issue (if you haven't read this, please DO).

"What if it is just this: We care so much about their suffering. We ache for the seven-year-olds who were forced to kill their parents. We grieve the loss of innocence and life. We yearn for justice and stability for the people of Uganda. In the scope of humanity, we consider Ugandans our brothers and sisters."


Amen.

Making A Difference

Some days I wake up, go about my normal mundane routine, and then go to bed. As my head hits the pillow and a tear escapes the corner of my eye, I silently breathe with every fiber of my being, "Lord, am I making a difference at all in this life?"

That's all I want for this life. To be LOVE to everybody I come in contact with. To make somebody's day brighter. To turn frowns into smiles and sadness into joy. To change another human being's life in some very tiny way.

Tonight I realized that I have had the privilege of being used by a Mighty God in a mighty way. As I sent my "goodbye post" out into the blogosphere to go live, e-mails and comments began pouring in of how my website changed people's lives.

I cried. Then cried. And then cried some more.

And thanked God for using little ole me in such a big way, even if I had a difficult time seeing it while in the midst of it all.

I still know I made the right decision. But it's really. really. really. nice to know that I DID make a difference in people's lives.

And if you find yourself wondering the same thing some days...I can promise you that you are most likely making a difference in somebody's life, whether you realize it or not.

Be encouraged, sweet one. Jesus chooses to use the lowly and the unnoticeable. That's YOU. So go in love...

I Find Freedom Tonight...

Tonight I find myself standing in the kitchen, about to make my very favorite brussel sprouts recipe with my amazingly tasty brussel sprouts from The Veggie Bin.

I find freedom in taking my time - in knowing that I don't have to meticulously place my dinner on a white plate and take a zillion snapshots until I get the perfect one...just in case I want to use it on my blog.

Life is slower now - even just in three short days since I decided to walk away from professional blogging.

Life is nicer now.

I can relax. I have my evenings back. I can enjoy living again.

I love that I am inspired to write suddenly, and I WANT to write. I hop on here, write a short blurb, and that is all.

Now on to my brussel sprouts...

It's Time.

I've been a professional blogger for almost 3 years.  It was a grand journey, but just tonight I finally made the very difficult decision to walk away.

I made this decision for so many different reasons, and I contemplated this choice for well over a year. As I cry tears of sadness and joy, I must say I have an extreme sense of peace about the whole thing.

And it's time.

Time to WRITE again.

Time to love life.

Time to love writing.

Time to have more time.

Time to be free.

Time to let go of fear.

Time to stop feeling like an utter failure.

Time to express myself.

Time to talk love.

Time to talk joy.

Time to talk passion.

Time to be ME.

And the beauty of it all is that I could care less if zero people are reading this or if a billion are reading this. Oh the freedom that not frantically tracking stats on Google Analytics brings!

That's how I know this is the right choice.

Welcome to my blog. All you'll find here is me. Just Me. Meg.